knottaknitter

Let's see, so far we have Killer FancyPants, Killer SpeedRacer, Killer Gimpy, and MommieD. They have proven that nothing can stop them-not cancelled/rearranged/cancelled/rearranged Delta Airlines flights, not being stranded in airports, not watching a Typhoid Toddler, not being hobbled, not having small people in the house, nothing. Except perhaps a target who won't give up their addy. So now SpeedRacer is on a mission: GET HER ADDRESS AND MAIL SOME SOCKS. Of course, right now she may be hopelessly tangled in knots and no where near a computer. Or trying to off someone else first. And abundant thanks to USPS for having the foresight to open offices at 8AM and also put them in airport terminals.

As was mentioned by someone, today there are potentially 200 pairs of handknit socks flying around the world. I wonder if they are talking to each other. That'd be pretty cool.

What would their (ok, our) yarn say if it could talk............
Yarn does have personality, you know. Much like computers. But squishier. The yarn, not the personality. Yarn can be every bit as feisty as the &*^%$#@ things on our desktops.

In other news, KnitNerd has been offed and relinquished the SIZE 13 socks she was knitting to her assassin. I'm sure her assassin will rue the day she send those socks off so fast. Caliente is knitting for her life, trying to finish before her Socks Of Death arrive. LetMeFinishThisRow, well, life got in the way and while he increased his dishcloth holdings, his sock is still a ball of yarn. But I'm sure it understands and won't try to strangle him.

New lessons learned so far: DK is common in the UK, not so much here. Make sure you know what needle size you should be using, because there are 398754 different ways to measure and label a knitting needle. Even pros make mistakes in patterns. Hurricane Gordon doesn't like knitters, but he is no match for the Legions of Sock Warriors. And the only thing that can really stand in the way of a knitter and his socks is his mother.

I never realized that speaking Sock involved a whole new language and vocabulary. I am reading emails between the knitters and realizing that I don't understand half of what they are saying. There are acronyms and jargon and abbreviations and colloquiallisms (frog does not mean a hopping green thing) and math problems....

I cannot speak Pattern either. Yes, it came out. And the target list. Now everyone knows who they are killing and who is after them. As predicted by LetMeFinishThisRow, Speed Racer has completed her socks and is wating to mail them to a target who has not provided their address. I sense a conspiracy. SpeedRacer's target is in league with her assassin, hoping that by using delaying tactics that SpeedRacer will get offed before she can mail off her socks.

Is all really fair in love and war?

In other news, due to an acute case of life LetMeFinishThisRow has not yet started The Socks. I discovered yesterday that TightLittleStitches did not sign up. Caliente got her weapons back unharnmed. A mistake was discovered in The Pattern and corrected. There was a comment about whether people in a certain country have addresses. KnitNerd (formerly The Geek) has a target with really big feet. And I cannot believe that I am this wrapped up in socks.

Knitting needs its own dictionary. Yes, there are glossaries oin knitting books. But I mean just a no frill Websters that explains what the heck ssk is and how dk is different that sport and....

And now there is an ad on for Aaron Neville covering, well, everything. Aaron Neville ad Julio Ingesias. At least they are not together.

So FancyPants had lots of the special DK weight yarn demanded by Sock Wars. And LetMeFinishThisRow, who has two underbed storage boxes jammed with yarn plus two+ knitting bags, had one skein. It was burrowed among the cottons and wools and blends and worsted and chunky and crochet thread and and and.

Much of this yarn, like any good stash, will never be used. It just sits there either looking pretty or taunting him or waiting longingly to be traded to someone who will really love it. And this stashing habit is not limited to him. They all have stash. Two even have a yarn annex.

Now, even other people who have the appropriate weight/color/type of yarn are not using it. They are going out and getting more. Agonizing over how many yards (did you know there can be over 200 yards of yarn in a pair of socks, or maybe just one sock?) they need, which is pretty irrelevant since they don't evne know THE PATTERN.

THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO FOOTBALL FIELDS. TWO. There can be hundreds of yards-not inches, yards-in a skein. AND MOST OF THEM HAVE DOZENS, IF NOT HUNDREDS, OF SKEINS. I think the cotton fields and sheep in the pastures and acrylics in the trailer park weep when a knitter passes, knowing that all of their growth and dedication and sacrifice is destined for the bottom of someone's closet, waiting for the day that it will be pulled out and turned into a. something useful or b. yard sale fodder.

Oh, and besides Sock Wars, there is an discloth competition, as in who can knit the most during a certain period. Yeah. Socks and dishcloths are taking over our lives.

Stocking the Sheep (our furry little mascot) is currently wearing three training socks. Using the same yarn and same pattern, Caliente's socks are at least twice the size of KnittingGeeks socks.

Apparently it has something to do with gauge. Or needle size.

I still don't get it.

Caliente left a little while ago. Now, bear in mind THE PATTERN is about to be released. We just located her left behind bag of Sock Yarn and Sock Needles. I am across the house upstairs and I heard the shriek DAMN IT TO HELL. LetMeFinishThisRow is currently holding the Ziploc bag with the word WAR on it. I don't think he's going to hold it hostage. But TightLittleStitches is negotiating for its safe return in a very cute little voice while Caliente is still shrieking. Wait....wait...

LetMeFinishThisRow just woke up and is pondering ransom. He just told her she hasn't asked about the ransom. Her response was AAAAA YOU WOULDN'T....and he reminded her that this is war, and to bring a dozen donuts or the yarn gets it....

6 minutes pass...

Amidst much begging and pleading we have decided to let her have it back. TightLittleStiches will be taking it to her in the morning...maybe....

We are plotting.

This has nothing to do with marijuana. No, this is a much more insidious and addictive beasty. YARN. YARN. YARN. And in honor of my mother, fabric.

Much has been written about stash, also known as the collection of yarn acquired by most Knitters, whether they need it or not. FancyPants recently learned the benefits of stash

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!! There is a CD that includes Julio Iglesias covering Wham, the Cars, Journey, and more. This must be one of the signs of the apolcolypse that John failed to write about. Apparently somethings are jut too painful to write about.

Pause....be back soon....

Check who you are sending the email to BEFORE you end it.

Prior to the gauge discussion was the many many many many email disussion of the morals and ethics of socks. Specifically, whether or not it was aceptable to use acrylic in socks. Not baby blanket acrylic. Not $15 dollar a skein acrylic. Not acrylic/cotton/mohair/alpaca/soy/silk/virgin wool acrylic. No, more like scratchy garage sale Walmart clearance acrylic. The stuff even the granny square hookers won't touch. And whether or not it was more acceptable if you mixed it with something nicer, like acrylic/cotton/mohair/alpaca/soy/silk/virgin wool acrylic. Caliente, bless her, said she was a stone-col killer, but not that cruel.

The suggestion was made that it is ok to put whatever you want in the socks, even poo brown fun fur. Apparently some company was sending free yarn with orders, and some people got luscious blue, and everyone else got poo brown fun fur. Fun fur is the hairy stuff wildly popular in Walmart scarves. It also turns up in many learn to knit kits, which is just plain cruel because the stuff is a bitch to knit with. But if you ever need to make a Chewbacca or Bigfoot costume, there is fun fur yarn for you.

The outcome of the debate is that yes, acrylic is pretty white trash, but it's ok because this is war. And really, what better way to kill someone that with pea green acrylic and poo brown fun fur.

LYS = local yarn store. I have been schooled. Never again will I get that acronym wrong.

So it's September 21. Tomorrow, which means sometime between now and midnight tomorrow, THE PATTERN comes out. SpeedRacer will be staying up all night checking email waiting to see if it gets posted, and phone calling the most of the crew the second it comes in, even if IT IS AT 3AM. People are taking days off work and rearranging their sleeping schedules for this. They are vowing to knit through meetings, knit until they finish, all in the hopes of killing someone by the weekend. I'm quite sure that they will be knitting in their sleep. And upon waking, ripping out what they have done.

THE PATTERN is what all of the Sock Wars people are making. Doesn't matter what yarn or what kind of needles or what style (although I'm pretty sure a machine knitter would wind up with several pairs of #5 dpns shoved up their nose). Just knit socks. Fast. Which is not so good for those who do little itty bitty tight stiches insisting that each stitch be perfect and that they much rip back if a stih is out of whack, and so they wind up knitting the same thing 468952 times...unless they are felting, in which case stitch quality can go all to hell because they are just going to turn it into a big piece of fuzz. Those among them that are more...relaxed...may be better Sock Killers than others.

Until know, it's been all about gauge and training socks. Getting gauge. How to get gauge. Cussing because you don't have gauge, or get different gauge on different needles, or.... I still have no idea what gauge is. It has something to do with rows and inches and number of stitches. Sorry, I prefer my recreation not INVOLVE MATH. Training socks look like something you'd put on a baby. A very pointy toed baby.

So how did I find myself surrounded by knitters. Well, it was the unholy convergence of a Christmas gift, a girlfriend, and a broken ankle (not mine). LetMeFinishThisRow and I got PerfectLittleStiches a knitting kit for Christmas after she had such fun knitting a dollar store kid project. LetMe broke his ankle and Perfect kept him company. They decided to try knitting. Shortly thereafter she became our girlfriend. I'm not sure that knitting didn't play a part in this.

Let me interject here that I am not a knitter. I occasionally add a few rows to one of two projects. So I know how. But I earn lots of Dear Hubby points for what I know about knitting, and that I willingly spend hours of vacation in LYS (little yarn stores) looking for the Deal Of A Lifetime, also known as digging through the clearance bins for that One Perfect Skein/Hank/Ball Of 80% Off Yarn.

So, they began knitting. And acquiring yarn. And needles. And notions. And thread. And books. And patterns. And more yarn. A yard sale garbage bag full. Half a carry-on full. The entire underneath of a twin bed and a messenger bag full. Trade yarn. Stash yarn. Yarn that is too beautiful/ soft/ special/ lovely/ expensive/ difficult to knit with. They do have FO (finished objects). And blogs. And stitchmarkers.

If anyone ever tells you that all you need for knitting is needles and yarn, THEY ARE LYING. LYING. LYING.

Sock Wars.

Allow me to explain. My other halves are Knitters. Not knitters. Knitters. With a capital K. And most of our friends are Knitters. I am not. I add a few rows to one of two projects occasionally. They knit like most people breathe. The current conversation is shock and disbelief that someone did not swatch in the round, complaints over a ball of yarn barfing, and dismay that someone is being attacked by a ball of yarn that does not belong to them and therefore does not like them. Now they've moved on to disussing a short row beret pattern by FancyPants, and of course someone had to bring up the Price lyrics (Would you like a raspberry beret? The kind you buy in a secondhand store?). And Gimpy's fuzzy headed husband. Oh, and don't feed ducks dehydrated marshmallows. Earlier the conversation was about the Topic of the Week. Sock Wars. Which brings me back to why the hell I am writing this.

When you wake up on a Sunday morning and DH (LetMeFinishThisRow) is at the computer weeding through 5739485 emails from The Knitters, all of which are about Sock Wars, you know something stinky is afoot. Weeks of breathless debate (who's gonna play, what kind of yarn, what size needles, magic loop or knot, what size sock, what's the pattern gonna be), registration is closed, and the Basic Information is released. SpeedRacer started it off at 3AM I was only half awake, but I believe I heard a WTF?! from the office. And the rest dived in. PerfectLittleStiches, Caliente, TheQuietOne, TheGeek, FancyPants, Gimpy, MommyDearest,most of the Monday-and-Thursday-

Ok, apparently you usually don't make socks with DK weight, or on size 4-6 needles, or make two socks with 50g of yarn. Over a week later, and they are STILL DISCUSSING THIS. After 748293 emails discussing it. There is discussion of who was seduced (Caliente lured one in), who was not (ME). The gist is this. You knit socks and send them onto someone. If they get your socks, they are dead and they send you their halfdone socks and you knit those and send them on unless you get another pair first and then....wait....I just head the words FORMING ALLIANCES....you send your halfdone sock back. And if that's not enough, you have to do MATH if you are knitting on circulars rather than the DPNs that are called for.

And oh yes, scheduling time to get together the day the pattern is released, as early in the day as possible. Discussion about skipping work to knit. Or going in late. Or leaving early. Because really, who wants to be chained to a desk when they could be discussing the relative merits of mohair/acrylic blend vs soysilk and weather doubling fingering weight countrs as DK weight.

I'm going to bed.